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From Viljoen Greeff:
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Traffic is standing still.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Jacob Zuma, Winnie Mandela, Thabo Mbeki, Jackie
Selebi and
Manto Tshabalala Msimang. They're asking for a R310 million ransom.
Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going
from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
This content was added on Saturday, September 27th 2008.
Thanks for your visit!
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Contributed anonymously:
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Nine Words....
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From Marlize V in Pretoria, South Africa:
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing”
usually end in “fine”.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
”you're welcome”.
8.) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F ..... YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What's
wrong?” For the woman's response refer to #3. Then you RUN!
This content was added July 11th, 2008.
Your visit is much appreciated!
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Added July 10th, 2008:
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From Willy in Minnesota:
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Damn we're good! Makes You Proud To Be An American.
From Lana in Cheetah country:
Why females should avoid a girls night out AFTER they are married.....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times..
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said."We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said oh shit. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
From Riana in the Garden Route, South Africa:
HOW MANY OF US CAN RELATE?
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric...
Another from Lana:
It's the summer of 1962 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw, she'd screw all night if we let her'!
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
'Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! The dance is called the Twist!!!
And another from Willy:
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope,' she replies.
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies...
Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat...
From Derek in the City of Roses:
They’re finally together......
She married and had 13 children.
Then her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.
She remarried a third time and had 5 more children.
After a long life, she finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
' Lord, they're finally together.'
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
' Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? '
The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'
Thanks for visiting!
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From Riana:
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We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
and
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
Riana sent me the following e-mail:
To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THAT Stuff WORKED!
I AM STILL WAITING!!!!!
For the rest of 2008, could you please just send money, Grapetiser, chocolate, movie tickets, gas cylinders or
petrol vouchers instead!
THANKS
June 29th, 2008.
Thanks for your visit!
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From Lize in Perth:
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay R200 for a R100 item he needs.
A woman will pay R100 for a R200 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals........
June 29th, 2008.
Thanks for visiting!
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A Repeat:
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This was previously contributed by Willy from Minnesota, and lost during recent site problems.
It's added again by popular demand:
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and
Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
P.S. Bull and Pisa Schitt have given birth to a little bruiser son, Tuff.
June 29th, 2008.
Thanks so much for your visit!
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Unknowingly contributed by Neeltjie:
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YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...
If you haven't, add 1757.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number. ( I. e., How many
times
you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS.
June 28th, 2008.
Thanks for your visit!
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From Riana in Wilderness:
NINE MONTHS LATER
* Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
* They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
* After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard.
* They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
* "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
* "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
* "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
* The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
* Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way.
* They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
* About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
* It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
* He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from..... "Yes, I do."
* "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"
* "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
have to admit that I did."
* "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"
* Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.
* I'm afraid I did.
* Why do you ask?"
* "She just died and left me everything."
* (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now
keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
This content was added on June 22nd, 2008. Thanks for your visit!
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Assorted Fun:
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Strange but true: The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo... |
Old magicians never die. They simply disappear........ |
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I was depressed last night, so I rang Lifeline. I got through to their call centre in Pakistan. When I told the operator I was suicidal, he got all excited & asked if I could fly a plane... |
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met... |
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The following is the Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will probably not be evenly distributed... |
I was offered a job as a babysitter, but who wants to sit on babies...? |
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. BUT: Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink all day! |
Definition of mixed emotions: The feeling you experience when your mother-in-law drives over a cliff in your brand new Lexus... |
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Why do blondes like to drive BMW’s? Because they can spell it! |
There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can not... |
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Did you hear about the new Barbie doll? She has no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm - nothing. Be on the lookout for the Zim-Barbie! |
Cellulite is not an imperfection. Those dimples are simply saying “I am sexy!” - in Braille. |
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An elderly couple met for a romp in the laundry of the old age home. As they undressed, the woman decided to warn the man about her heart condition: “I must tell you” she whispered shyly, “I have acute Angina.” “Great!” he replied, “because your boobies are really dreadful!” |
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks that Murphy is very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.... |
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Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime. Crime does not pay. So if you keep studying, you WILL go broke. |
Bush, Gore & Clinton was visiting the Wizard of Oz.Bush: “I wish I had a brain”Gore: “If only I had a heart!”Clinton: “Where’s Dorothy.....?” |
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If a guy with a split personality threatens suicide, could it be considered a hostage situation....? |
Did you know: It’s impossible to lick your own elbow.....? |
This content was added on Friday February 22nd, 2008. Thanks for your visit!
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Welcome to Africa!
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When visiting Africa, certain things may amaze or amuse you. These are just everyday things we are used to!
A "Bring en Braai" is a social event where guests are asked to bring their own meat for the BBQ
Ooooookay!
His excellency with favorite toy
This content was added on Friday, December 7th, 2007.
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Search directly from here:
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Only in the New South Africa....
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Somewhere in a sugar cane field in KwaZulu Natal, South Africa.......
Availability and the high price of petrol being the problem it has become in the new South Africa, authorities have recently been forced to re-adjust strategies to curb speeding. As we all know: speed kills. Please note that this traffic officer was not in the least phased by the fact that he is not behind the wheel of a flashy patrol car. He still takes immense pride in his appearance. This is emphasized by his very neatly pressed shirt. Please note the red light atop his vehicle. Luckily our traffic officers can still afford radio communication as well. Otherwise how would they be able to call for backup when an offender decides to attempt to make a run for it.....?
This content was added on November 7th, 2007.
Imagery was obtained from www.freeuniverse4all.com
Thank you for your visit!
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Did You Know?
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The following content was contributed by young Marlize Venter of Pretoria, South Africa (without her prior knowledge or consent!) on Wednesday, November 7th, 2007.
Food
There are more than 100 chemicals in a cup of coffee
You'd need to yell for 8 years 7 months and 6 days to produce enough energy to heat a cup of coffee
Coffee is the seed of a cherry from the trees genus Coffea
An onion, apple and potato all have the same taste - the differences in flavour are caused by their smell
The tallest sunflower is recorded at 7.17m tall which is 1.08m taller than the tallest recorded Giraffe
Onions get their destinctive smell by soaking up sulphur from soil
Almonds are a member of the peach family
Rice is the main food for half the world's population
France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese
Animals
Giraffes are the only animals born with horns
A Giraffe can clean its own ears with its 21inch (53.340 cm) tongue
A Cape Buffalo can run as fast as 50km per hour and is extremeley dangerous. Hunters regard a wounded buffalo as one of the most dangerous animals
The pig is rated the fourth most intelligent animal
Cats and dogs can only see the colours blue and yellow
Most snakes have over 200 teeth
A woodpecker can Peck up to 20 times per second
The Hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump
Sharks never get sick. They are immune to all known diseases
The catfish has over 27 000 taste buds
Transport
The first bicycle made in 1817 by Baron von Drais did not have pedals - people propelled them by walking with them
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato soup can for a carburettor
World things
The names of all the continents end with the same letter they start
Eskimos use refridgerators to keep food from freezing
The world's biggest hospital is the Chris Hani - Baragwanath Hospital in Soweto
Kimberly's "Big Hole" is the largest hand-dug hole in the world and is deeper than Table Mountain is high
Recycling a single glass jar saves enough energy to watch 3 hours of TV
The highest temperature ever recorded at the South Pole was minus 13 degrees celcius
Humans
From birth until death our eyes remain the same size - the nose and ears don't stop growing
Women blink twice as many times as men do
The hardest bone in the human body is the jawbone
Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails
Your thumb is the same length as your nose
The avarage person can live for 11 days without water
Babies are born without knee caps They only appear between the ages 2 and 6
Your heart rate can rise as much as 30% during a yawn
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down so you could see his moves
Thank you for visiting!
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Funny Baby Pix
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This MIGHT just be Valentino Rossi's first speed fine........
This MIGHT be one of a certain ex Springbok rugby player's baby photos..........
Perfect example of a multi-tasking mother at work..........
Fine Young Cannibals preparing dinner.....?
This imagery was added on November 8th, 2007. Images courtesy of www.freeuniverse4all.com
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